Balancing Care for Children and Aging Parents

The Sandwich Generation

The Sandwich Generation is a term used to describe the many millions of adults who now find themselves perpetually caring for their children while also supporting or caring for their aging parents or grandparents. This once unusual but now common position can be quite the privilege. However, it can also feel overwhelming, stressful and at times lonely.

Being part of the Sandwich Generation poses its own incredibly unique set of challenges. This cohort are caught between two demanding roles, a parent who seeks to nurture their children, and a caregiver who wishes to ensure their aging parents or grandparents continue to live a happy, safe and healthy life as they grow older. Literally, sandwiched in the middle, they find themselves swinging from one role to the other on a daily basis. Both roles carry great responsibility and the sharp reality check of learning as we go along.

The fine art balance

Too much pressure? Know your limits and set clear boundaries

Unhealthy pressure
We all know that it is all too easy to take on too much, to think that we can do it all and be everything to everyone we know and love. This is an unrealistic approach that only causes stress, exhaustion, and friction within families’ long term. Therefore, it is vital to acknowledge this and to remind yourself regularly when you feel that pull to take on a little more. Acknowledge and accept “you simply cannot do everything.” It’s also natural to feel a mix of emotion whilst on this journey, ranging from love, frustration, sadness and guilt. Recognising and accepting your feelings will help you manage them.

Try not to feel guilty. Guilt is an incredibly common feeling amongst caregivers and those of the sandwich generation, born out of stretching ourselves too thinly and caring deeply. It is a strong emotion that can be overwhelming and self-destructive. Again, this goes back to acknowledgement. Acknowledge and be proud daily of what you have achieved whilst juggling both roles. Keeping a mental or written checklist of all you have completed can be a wonderful reminder to yourself and others of all you have to manage and that you have no reason to feel guilty. It can also be a red flag to show you when you are taking on too much. Remember, there are only so many hours in a day and “good enough”, is good enough.

Learning to say no
Learning to say no is also an important skill to work on, this allows us to maintain our limits and set healthy boundaries. Be honest with your family members about what you can manage. Having regular open discussions about what is expected not only of you, but others will create a strong feeling of unity and strengthening family bonds. Being clear, means everyone will know where they stand and what roles and responsibilities everyone has.

Build your support network and delegate
Encourage siblings or other family members to contribute. Sharing responsibilities can lighten your load and foster stronger family connections. If it helps, you could draw up a rota for the month and define roles for family members. For example, who is responsible for getting parents to medical appointments, who does the school pick and so on.

Planning for everyone’s needs within the family
Following on from the above, it can be helpful to evaluate the needs of both your children and parents/grandparents on a regular basis. Inevitably this will change depending on their evolving circumstances. Sometimes the children will become your main priority, while other times your attention will swiftly move to your parents/grandparents. Again, looking at diaries and calendars can really help with planning ahead. Diaries and calendars on smart phones are very useful as you can add a family calendar that everyone can see and add too, while marrying this up with a standard calendar for those that prefer it.

Looking at the plan ahead will help to make you feel more at ease and more capable of managing when unexpected changes crop up. It will ensure that opportunities for fun family activities, rest time and self-care are not put on the back burner. Making memories and time with your family is priceless and valuable to everyone, again strengthening bonds and creating shared experiences.

Finances

Budgeting for family
Drawing up a monthly budget will help you to keep track of your financial situation. You can take into consideration the financial needs of both your children and parents or grandparents. These budgets may include childcare, provision for school trips and extra-curricular activities, medical expenses and care support options for the future as well, along with the general running costs of day-to-day living.

It is useful to have open discussions regarding finances with parents and grandparents so that you are aware of their financial situation and can adequately help them plan for the future. Having such discussions means that you can look at realistic affordable options for care as and when the need arises as well as budgeting for the fun activities in life.

Managing Stress – the importance of making time for you
Learning to take time out for yourself is incredibly important, not only for you but those around you. You cannot look after others, if you are suffering from burnout and stress. In the end it has a very big ripple effect on everyone but most importantly yourself.

Make time to look after your own physical and emotional health. You can do this in the following ways:

Eat healthy and share the cooking with family members if you are the sole cook of the house. Having someone cook for you, means you will really enjoy the food you eat and make you feel appreciated and loved.
Take regular exercise, go for a walk, to the gym, yoga but make it something you enjoy.
Maintain a hobby, something that is just for you, gives you joy and takes you away from day-to-day life.
Try and get a good night’s sleep as this is crucial for maintaining energy levels. Keep your bedtime routine the same, cut down or cut out caffeine in the evening and stay away from screens before bed as these can be very overstimulating. If you are feeling anxious, try writing your worries down so they are out of your head before it hits the pillow. A few minutes of meditation can be very helpful in settling the mind.
If you feel you need extra support, then joining a local or online support group can be very beneficial. Knowing that you are not alone, connecting with others, sharing experiences and both giving and receiving advice will provide a wealth of emotional and practical support.
If you feel that the support you require is more specific or you feel you are struggling with your mental, emotional or physical health it is really important that you try and seek help from a medical professional. If you are feeling anxious about this then confiding in a family member or friend first is a good option. They can attend a medical appointment with you or liaise with health professionals on your behalf so that you have that extra support. There are many different therapies available, allowing you a safe space to be heard and release your emotions.

Celebrate the little wins

As we discussed earlier, keep celebrating you all that you have achieved and others in your family too, if you are sharing the load. Celebrate the “little wins”. For example, you made it on time to an appointment, the children made their lunch for school, you all had a good day, whatever it is, celebrate! A cheer at dinner, a pat on the back, appreciation goes a long way!

Enjoy the journey, laugh in good times and bad

Although becoming part of the Sandwich Generation can be challenging, it can also be incredibly rewarding and a unique way to make precious memories with two different generations. Striking a balance can be tricky but if we focus on our emotional wellbeing and create a nurturing supportive environment within our unit whilst recognising our own needs, we can achieve and enjoy the many benefits. The sandwich generation are in it together, take care of yourselves and know that you are not alone. Most importantly, laugh, even when it’s difficult, keep your sense of humour, it can get us through the darkest of times.

The Bespoke Life, Companionship service

The Bespoke Life in Cheltenham is here for you as a companionship service should you require it. We are dedicated to ensuring that each and every one of our clients receive the best quality assistance possible. We will tailor our services to meet your needs and ensure that we take a person-centred approach. We can help you with the following: